I woke up feeling just dandy this morning, and ready to be off of bed rest. The day has quickly turned from just another day, to being just another one of those hard days.
I remain hopeful for this cycle to be successful. There is no reason not to feel that way.
Today has been hard for a very different reason.
I am finding myself feeling very overwhelmed with grief. We pulled out the Christmas tree today, in an effort to do just a little bit of decorating at a time to not make a mess. As soon as we had it in the living room, still in the bag, my thoughts went to how much joy we had last year when we were preparing for what it would be like this year. Joy...it's hard to find it today.
My son would have been crawling this Christmas, in awe of the beautiful lights, and giggling with his brother and sisters. That was what I pictured last year. Teaching him the thrill of tearing open a package with a perfect little toy just for him. Buying his first Christmas ornament and putting it on the tree, and getting his first taste of a Christmas cookie. What a beautiful picture it was.
Reality is this. He is not here, and he wasn't meant for this world. It hurts my heart. So many of our dreams have been called to a screeching halt. It's a long list that is continuing to grow as the year goes on, but, the hardest of them all is just that he is not here. We don't get to make those memories with him, and I can't help but cry when I think about it.
I knew it was going to be hard....I didn't know it would feel this hard as long as it has. A little piece of me went with him, and I am forever changed.
The tree goes up for my kids. Christmas comes this year, and as with all years, it brings hope. That's what keeps me going. I move forward with Hope, and I hold on tightly, because without it, this would all be for nothing.
Believing, Loving and Hoping today.
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